I drove into work this morning and I found myself crying. I don’t know why, I don’t know what triggered the tears.
Almost a year ago, my little monkey was born. He was perfect in every way, and to this day his is the best baby. He’ll brighten your day with his smiles and it’s hard to ever be upset in his presence – looking at him and watching him in all his bliss wipes all those bad feelings away.
How could these kids not make you smile?
But he can’t be up with me at all hours of the day, so there are times when I am without that drug to keep me from feeling down. I can’t look at myself in the mirror to see that baby fat that refuses to go away; I can’t watch any tv because I’m sure to find a show or commercial to put me in tears.
When I was probably 5 months pregnant, I KNEW something was wrong with me. Yes, pregnancy can be rough, it can be emotional… and with a 3 year old at home who’s coming into her own… and the struggles of a marriage… so it’s not like it was a surprise to me that I was so unhappy. I seeked the advice of my doctor and got prescribed some anti-depressants. Anti-partum depression is what he called it.
I didn’t stay on them longer than a month – I was one of those pregnant women who hating taking any kind of drugs, even tylenol, while the baby was inside of me. It said right on the material that came with the drugs that any use of these could cause dependency for the newborn – yeah, I didn’t want that…
So Monkey came, and things didn’t get a whole lot better, so I decided to go back on the anti-depressants. I took them for a while, but then I’d forget or skip a few doses. Hubby would notice and make comments – I’d have major highs and major lows. I’d start crying for no apparent reason. Even I had no idea why I was crying. I’d lay in my room, huddled in a ball while I cried for hours, isolating myself from my family.
So now, Monkey will turn one in a few weeks and I still struggle with these emotions. When will I get better? How will I know?
I have some trouble with depression too, (don’t we all?) I’ve never seen a doctor about it because I don’t think that’s right for me but If it works for you go with it. Really what works best for me is forcing, and I do mean forcing, myself to do the things that i really am not motivated to do. Get up, eat, get some kind of exercise, I helps but making it happen is a serious struggle.
As far as post partum, don’t think that it doesn’t apply just because your son is 1. I think it lasts at least until they leave home, often longer. You’ll always be post partum.