My posts this week have a soundtrack

I heard this song on a telethon a few months back.  They had it playing in the background while mothers of children battling illnesses told their stories.  I remember that day well – I listened in my car, in the parking lot of my work and I bawled my eyes out.  To this day, I love this song and play it whenever I need a good cry.

Fix You by Cold Play

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Post-post partum depression

I drove into work this morning and I found myself crying.  I don’t know why, I don’t know what triggered the tears. 

Almost a year ago, my little monkey was born.  He was perfect in every way, and to this day his is the best baby.  He’ll brighten your day with his smiles and it’s hard to ever be upset in his presence – looking at him and watching him in all his bliss wipes all those bad feelings away.

How could these kids not make you smile?

But he can’t be up with me at all hours of the day, so there are times when I am without that drug to keep me from feeling down.  I can’t look at myself in the mirror to see that baby fat that refuses to go away;  I can’t watch any tv because I’m sure to find a show or commercial to put me in tears. 

When I was probably 5 months pregnant, I KNEW something was wrong with me.  Yes, pregnancy can be rough, it can be emotional… and with a 3 year old at home who’s coming into her own… and the struggles of a marriage… so it’s not like it was a surprise to me that I was so unhappy.  I seeked the advice of my doctor and got prescribed some anti-depressants.  Anti-partum depression is what he called it. 

I didn’t stay on them longer than a month – I was one of those pregnant women who hating taking any kind of drugs, even tylenol, while the baby was inside of me.  It said right on the material that came with the drugs that any use of these could cause dependency for the newborn – yeah, I didn’t want that…

So Monkey came, and things didn’t get a whole lot better, so I decided to go back on the anti-depressants.  I took them for a while, but then I’d forget or skip a few doses.  Hubby would notice and make comments – I’d have major highs and major lows.  I’d start crying for no apparent reason.  Even I had no idea why I was crying.  I’d lay in my room, huddled in a ball while I cried for hours, isolating myself from my family.

So now, Monkey will turn one in a few weeks and I still struggle with these emotions.  When will I get better?  How will I know?